cacoethes--scribendi

that first year your body writhed with mine more minutes passed entwined than not so long ago it was i was bouncing off the clouds you draped across the sky too quickly i fell before i knew what it was like to breathe and now what are we nothing is nothing were emptiness and cold bedsheets remain i've warmed them myself for so long long before we were ever apart

i will dream of you for the next five thousand years i wrote for you all those nights my purest form of self closer to god than anything else whatever that is but you were a pretentious fuck i unnerved you it was an insidious dance and really the results were lackluster i miss the charcoal when i used to draw it against my skin but that wasn't something you could appreciate there is a lovehate a hatelove and somewhere in between i allowed myself to forget you for a year i wasn't bitter, no i was empty long before i fragmented your facade

goddamn it i miss you those words are weak and pathetic and i remember how they sound bouncing off my tongue it burns, my skin your fingertips were electric i remember your hand on my shoulder when the afghan had fallen i was awake but i faced the wall white and speckled with dirt and grime i remember you are no longer there and i am no longer here

i'm calling out for you with a hand over my mouth i'm not sure i want to hear anything more than my voice echoing but i do and i can't as i burn my pupils to forget brevity has an upside as we are alight i die impassioned each time it falls from my lips like crackled skin don't act like i was nothing

maybe there is nothing. no was. no were. nowhere. i know you. i know you. but it's in a haze. you're in a vault in the back of my mind. only when i am most vulnerable are you released and even then, you don't know i don't wish to wake, just to keep you. just.

I remember when I could and now, I steal breaths moments. I sometimes remember where I was in a single moment. I sometimes remember you. I remember all of them. I remember no one. They came and went as time does and I stood as still as the sky, the dust of stars in my blood. I don't think I knew, no, I never knew I'd still be - It's in the shallow breaths warming my lips and in empty words erased from the white. My tongue is dry. Now I run for the clock tick. Tick.